I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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