if i can run in heels then i can drive
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
