Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
