a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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