Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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