I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
