I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
