im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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