i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
