Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
