do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
what the fuck happened to the tacos
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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