that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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