I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
