Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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