I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
