I wish I could punch you in the face.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
