how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
