Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
