I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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