Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
What a dumb baby whore.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
