i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
