If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
