Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
