I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
