I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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