just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When are your genitals available?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
