all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
