Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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