we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They took my balls.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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