So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
