I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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