....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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