This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
