i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
