I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
