I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
