Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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