I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
