I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
