this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
50% drunk capacity currently
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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