Life is so much better after having sex.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He felt like a one man threesome
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
