Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
