Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
