I think I died a long time ago.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What a dumb baby whore.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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