How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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