lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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