My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
