Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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