He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
