My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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