Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
