Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
