I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i now understand why vodka
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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