Cold hands, warm shart.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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