They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
