the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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