Where is the hickey?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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